he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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