this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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