fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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