did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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