if i can run in heels then i can drive
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This is the high leading the old right now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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