he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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