I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
