he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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