I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.