I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
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I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.