so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night