Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now