I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
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I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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