So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
