new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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