So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
