accomplished twins. life is a go
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
