So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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