so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
