last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
