she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it