he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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