Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
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Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize