Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
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You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
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You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going