He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.