My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.