I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.