"it" just moved
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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