My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
