at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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