I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
