im drinking this country out of the recession.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
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The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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