you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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