i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
