Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
