If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
