My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
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I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
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we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence