Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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