So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
