i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
