i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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