I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
