I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
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We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
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TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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