insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
