In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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