Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs