Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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