I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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