Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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