Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Randomize
