I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
