look no pants
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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