so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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