If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
