____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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